Guys, I have a problem…I play Stardew Valley way too much. It started off innocently enough. Growing a parsnip here, fighting a slime there, handing out random gifts to townspeople…but before I knew it, I had an entire farm full of crops, fully upgraded barns and coops full of animals and more chests full of items than you can imagine.

I also have friendship maxed out with more than half of the town. You know, once you get full friendship hearts with someone, it really makes more sense to quit giving them gifts, because if you happen to offer them something they hate, it can be very bad for friendship. In Stardew Valley, it’s not the thought that counts.

The other day I googled, “How long does it take to grow a pumpkin?” And the internet was like, about ninety to one hundred and twenty days. Of course, I was shocked and horrified, because I cannot possibly wait that long to grow a pumpkin. I needed at least five more pumpkins by the end of the month!

But then I realized that I forgot to add “Stardew Valley” to my search. (It only takes thirteen days in Stardew Valley. In case you were wondering.)

I just feel like with all the cookies and caching and data that we all know they are collecting on us, they should know I’m not trying to grow a real pumpkin. Google should know me better than that. I mean, a Minecraft pumpkin, maybe. But never a real one.

Do pumpkins even grow in Florida? I bet they don’t. Of course, it’s about time to go to a pumpkin patch somewhere and buy some pumpkins. I’m always on the fence between carving jack-o-lanterns vs painting pumpkins.

I like doing both, but both are messy and require supplies I may or may not have on hand. Also, I’m pretty sure if I put a carved pumpkin out on the front porch, the raccoons will come and eat it. And I’m happy for them to have it, if they’d just wait until November first. It’s the least they could do.